September 4^th will be our 44^th wedding anniversary. Both Gordon and I would say at least 35 of those years have been good, although we might disagree on which years.

In 1985, we bought our first home, and were DINKS (Double Income, No Kids), so extra money usually went toward furnishing our house or activities we enjoyed. In 1985 Gordon’s dad gave him the proceeds of a life insurance policy, bought at Gordon’s birth. It was a modest sum, but I had ideas on how best to use the money and couldn’t wait for us to discuss the possibilities.

Except Gordon wouldn’t talk about it.

Early in our marriage, we agreed to always pool our resources and never spend over X amount of money without discussion. We were always able to come to an agreement. But every time I broached the subject of this money, Gordon shut me down. Finally one day, Gordon emphatically said, “Becky, it’s my money and I’ll spend it any way I want to.”

I was hurt. I was angry. But mostly I was puzzled. Why would my loving husband take that attitude? He had always wanted what was best for us. We were usually able to talk things out, but now there was a painful silence between us.

Days went by and the hurt only grew. Until one day Gordon gave me an explanation. He wanted to use the money to buy me a diamond wedding band for our anniversary. Since we decided to get married when he was fresh out of the military, practically broke, and going to school on the GI Bill, there had been no engagement ring. So now he wanted to rectify the situation, and together we picked out a ring I’ve always loved.

This past year I’ve been in a wilderness of sorts. It was undeniably God’s plan that we move here, yet I felt He “benched” me the moment we arrived. Gordon has faced some serious health issues, I’ve struggled with mobility from this persistent ankle problem, and I’ve not been able to find “my people.”

I’ve been hurt. I’ve been angry. But mostly I’ve been puzzled. Why would my loving Heavenly Father do this? He has always known what is best for us. My Father has seemed silent, and it’s been painful to have no answers to “why.”

Last weekend I saw a glimpse of “why” that both humbled and strengthened me. Dr. David Jeremiah says, “God’s plan for us is like reading Hebrew–you have to read it backwards.” After tough times in your life, haven’t you usually been able to look back and say, “So that’s why God allowed that to happen”?

David modeled a right attitude when we don’t have answers in Psalm 63:1-3, written when he was in the desert of Judah:

“You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you” (NIV, emphasis mine).

How about you? Are you struggling to understand? Does it seem God’s plan for you is “lost in the mail?” If so, I encourage us all to “read Hebrew”—to look back on all the times His plan became clear in retrospect. And “when you cannot see His Hand, trust His Heart.”

Guest writer Becky Jones had a wild and wonderful career in the medical field, planning and implementing programs to help people all over the country learn how best to manage their chronic illnesses. However, her most important jobs are wife to Gordon, mother to Zac, and child of God. Her greatest desire is to share with others what she’s been privileged to learn—and continue to learn—about growing to be more like Jesus.”